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People will try to tell you what to do what will make your life better. Maybe what I was told wasn’t for me sure going to college is important but grades aren’t everything maybe I don’t need the money to be happy. Sure it would be nice to have more money but I would be just as happy making 40,000 a year and being with a women I love and helping out as many people as I possibly can than be making a 1,000,000 and being married to someone that only sees me for my pay check and I won’t have time to help out others.

Things get tough

Today was a tough day. I through out the whole day couldn’t get the thought of failure out of my head. I wondered if I should just stop trying and thinks got worse and worse as the day went on. I was raised in a why that should allow me to share my feelings but I just can’t it makes me fell weak even though I know it would only make me stronger. I just wanted to yell out I am sinking can someone please throw me a life preserver but I couldn’t not my roommate not to my friends and not to my parents I fell as though I jumped into the ocean carrying a 200 lbs. weight and I just can’t let go of it. Failure is not an option but that seems the way I am headed. I struggle silently and every day it takes a toll on me. I have only eaten one meal a day this whole week. I have barely any energy just looking at the screen right now is taking a lot of effort but I know if I keep on fighting through I will make it to a better place. Maybe not today maybe not tomorrow I will get the things I need to stay strong a women who will love me for who I am not who I pretend to be and will always be there to catch me when I fall and tell me that everything is going to be all right. Someone whose smile will make me smile someone I can always talk to and not fear that I am being judged someone to love and someone to protect. Someone who will protect me from the thoughts in my head that seem to always be there and even when I think they are gone the come right back. I wait for that day when I find the women who will make me a better person someone who will help me be better so I can do what I really want to do, helping out people and making their life’s better. That day can’t come soon enough because I am almost out of oxygen as I sink lower and lower and the light is fading farther and farther away.

You guys can pick on me all you want, but I don’t pay any attention to you, because I don’t have to. I don’t give a darn what you guys think, to be honest with you.
Joe Paterno
National Coming Out Week

This week is a week for those who are members of LGBT community to come out and say who they really are. I would like to say to those who are brave enough to come out congratulations you should be very proud of yourself and for those people that have not come out your time will come. One day you will feel comfortable enough to come out and say who you truly our and hopefully you are as lucky as many people I know who have their friends and family behind them. If you aren’t lucky enough to have those people behind you there are always support groups that you can talk to and they will be more than willing to help you along with your coming out.  

The Long War

I have fought the long silent war like many people have. Every day when I wake up I feel an unbearable pressure on me shoulders the pressure to succeed the pressure to please others. I wake up knowing that I am worthless and that nobody but the ones I am related to will every love me for me and this takes its toll. I have thought about taking the easy way out more than I care to count but I always come to the same conclusion. I could never put my family through that even though that would truly end my pain. I fight on every day to hopefully find that one thing that will keep me going that one bright spec of light and the end of this long dark tunnel that is my life. Everyday I look but I have never found that spec, which makes me wonder if I will ever find it. But I soldier on in silence because admitting that I suffer from what so many others suffer through would make me weak even though I know I would have the unwavering support from my friends and family I can’t bring myself to admit it. Will pray be that day when I take the first step forward? Will today be the day that I say enough is enough I need help I feel like I am falling and it is just a matter of time until I hit the ground.

My every day life

Every day I realize more and more how I owe everything I am to a few specific people in my life. I owe my sense of morals to my parents and my grand-parents they taught me that not matter who someone is (what sex they are, what race they are, what sexual preferences they have, or what god they believe in or what  god they don’t believe in) I should treat them with the same respect I would treat my family. I like to think that I do that and I know that makes me a better person. You aren’t born with hate you aren’t born thinking black people are stupid, Asian’s are smart, Jews are rich, or gays are corrupting or morals these are things that you are taught. The second group of people I have to thank are my friends, my friends made me realize that no matter what you do how badly you screw up there is always someone there to catch you when you fall. I can’t thank my friends enough for this, I can’t even count how many times I have fallen, but I can tell you I have never hit the ground. The third group of people I have to thank are my teachers through out the years, they showed me that if you work hard, put every thing you have into something you can make a difference, you may not be making millions of dollars but some things are more important than money. 

My depression

One of the toughest things I have had to deal with in my life is depression. I was depressed at a very young age even though I had a very loving family and very good friends that I could always count on I just had trouble with my depression I still have trouble with my depression. Many days it takes me a lot of effort to even get out of the bed in the morning I really don’t have much going for me. One of the few things that I have wanted for a long time but have never had is a relationship with a woman who understands me, a woman who I can talk to without feeling judged someone who I could talk to and just feel like she could make everything better with just a smile. The only way I can get out of bed is just by thinking today will be a better day. Today is the day that I get one day closer to find that perfect women who will make me feel whole.

What it means to be a man

The other day someone asked me what it meant to be a man and I didn’t have an answer right on the spot it took some thinking. I came to realize what being a man means when I saw a father and his son. Being a man doesn’t mean that you have the right type of sex organs, or you can lift more weight than someone else. Being a man means standing up for what you believe in standing up for what is right. Standing up to all those people who can’t stand up for themselves giving a voice to those who can’t cry out. Being a man means you will do anything for what is right in the world and you want just stand by as something happens to someone who can’t do anything. 

I saw one of the more recent south park episodes and it was making a reference to the movie bully. I was surprised that they actually made a good point many of you may have heard about the big fight to make the movie rated PG-13 instead of R so the kids could go to see it. In this episode of south park the mentioned how they should put the movie online for free so all people could see it and I thought that was a great idea.

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